


Untitled

by crazyTXgradstudent



Category: Eddie Vedder - Fandom, Eddie Vedder/OFC - Fandom, Pearl Jam
Genre: Angst, F/M, I don't even know why I write this shit, I should stick to my day job, Lost Love, Moving On, Regret, this made me sad, too late
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-08-22 00:23:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8265908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyTXgradstudent/pseuds/crazyTXgradstudent
Summary: This is written specifically for my beautiful friend Amanda! I hope you enjoy it :-)





	

I stared through the windows, still not believing my fucking eyes.

It was her — I’d known it the moment I heard that laugh, that deep, throaty, way-too sexy laugh had called to me as I was pushing my way out of the bar. _It was her._ No one else had ever laughed like that, at least not that I’d heard since. I shoved my hands down deeper in my pockets, the fingers of my right hand fiddling with keys tucked away there, a silent reminder of what I should do. What I needed to do.

 _“Just fucking go home,”_ I whispered to myself. That’s what I needed to do. Get in my fucking car, go to the hotel, sleep it off, and catch my flight in the morning. I sure as hell didn’t need to be staring through the window of a dive bar in Fort Lauderdale like a damn freak. This was pathetic — even for me. I knew that much.

Still…I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She was different, but very much the same. Her hair was longer than I remembered, but still that dark, thick mass that begged to be touched. It seemed darker, or maybe it was the lights? Had she colored it? Why was I spending so much time wondering about the color of her hair? Fucking weird.

My mouth fell open when she turned around and laughed at something someone said. I caught a good look at her face. God damn. How was it possible that she was more beautiful? Cause she sure as fuck was. She’d always been beautiful, but now she seemed more…refined, maybe? More mature? Yeah, mature was it. Gone was the girl that used to wear her purple Docs with her cut-up jeans, and flannel. I was sure she didn’t have those piercings in her eyebrows any longer. I wondered if she still had our tattoo? _Had she covered it?_ I looked down at my forearm, a wistful smile appearing as I thought about the night we got drunk and got matching hearts. _Hearts, of all fucking things._ I chuckled as I thought about how fucking stupid and naive we were all those years ago.

_How in love we were…_

_It was so long ago, but seemed like only yesterday that the bottom had finally fallen out._

My jaw tensed as I thought back on all the shit that had happened. The cheating, the fights, the drunken arguments that seemed to happen after every fucking tour. Her hitting me.  Me throwing my cellphone at her head when she accused me of cheating over and over again. The drinking, the drugs, the out-of-control rages that resulted in broken doors and broken dreams. The cops getting called. The truck getting wrecked. Our hearts getting broken; _me breaking hers, her breaking mine._ We were so fucked up when we were together, and yet she was a huge part of some of the best times of my life.  At one point we'd been each other's futures.  Now we were just a set of bad memories that I could only resurrect with booze and loneliness.  _How was that possible?_  

Better yet, how was she able to move on and be happy, when I was clearly still not able to?   _Why was she happy and I wasn't?_

My eyes narrowed as I watched her take a shot glass from some half-naked guy that walked by. She handed it off to a woman on her left. Why wasn’t she drinking? _Was she drinking?_ I watched as she and her friends chanted something, and then together they downed something that looked like liquor. She tilted a glass of what looked to be champagne up to her beautiful lips. My eyes narrowed even further when I saw one of her girlfriends slip one of those Miss America sash-things over my former girlfriend’s shoulders. I squinted, straining to read the writing as she adjusted it against her chest.

My heart thumped in my chest.

_**“Future Mrs. Cheney”** _

She was getting married. It was like a rock sat deep in the pit of my stomach, hard and immovable.  Reality hit me: this was probably her bachelorette party. I was standing out here, watching her celebrate on the eve of one of the most important days of her life, like a fucking weirdo. _What the fuck was wrong with me?_

I pulled my hat down lower and made my way back into the bar.

* * *

    
“Well, aren’t we the lucky ones tonight!” The corny ass DJ laughed as he patted me on the back.  “Ladies and gents, Mr. Eddie Vedder!” The DJ handed me the mic, and I gave him a forced smile as I pulled it against my chest. I just wanted him to get the fuck away from me. _Really._

My eyes never left hers as I placed the mic in the stand and took my spot behind it. She stared back at me, all earlier traces of happiness long gone as she took another long swallow of whatever she was drinking. I could see the confusion on her face, could see the way she saw me… _but didn’t quite see me_...all at the same time. **_What the fuck was I doing?_**

“So, I uh…don’t do this karaoke shit…but I have a song I’d like to sing. It’s about regrets, and about getting away, and about things that I wish I could have, but I can’t…so yeah…I…uh…hope you…fuckin’ enjoy it. Yeah.” I adjusted the guitar against my waist and started playing. My fingers moved over the strings with a familiarity that was sad and pathetic.   **How many times had I sung this fucking song?**

   

**[Untitled](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTRQ3h6C3rU) **

_I gotta car…got some gas, let’s get the fuck outta here, get outta here fast_

_everyone's confused, no one's leavin' their rooms._

 

_I wanna go, but I don’t want to go…alone._

 

 _Oh God I hope you get this message, but you’re not home._  
_I could be there in 21 minutes or so._

_You don't have to take no things,_

_we'll make it up as we go along._

 

_I wanna go but I don't want... to go... alone._

 

 

_Darlin' with you I could never be alone._

 

_Yeah, baby with you...with you... I will never be alone._

 

  
Completely losing all professional bearing, I stopped singing when she turned and ran. Like a drunken fool, I untangled myself from the guitar and handed it off, much to the DJ’s annoyance. The crowd jostled and grabbed at me as I ran after her;  I pushed my way through the boos and profanity as I headed towards the bathrooms. She wasn’t in either, as I checked both the men’s and women’s. My eyes caught sight of the exit door at the end of the hallway, and I headed that direction. I opened the door and stepped out into the alleyway, hoping to catch at least a glimpse of her.

I heard her crying long before I saw her.

“Mandy?” I slowly approached her. It was misting, raining just enough to make things wet and more miserable than they already were.

“Why?” She sniffled as she turned to look at me. In the dim light of the alleyway, I could see her makeup running down her face, and I knew it was a mixture of rain and tears. My heart clenched deep in my chest, heavy with regret at what I’d done.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking, okay?” I reached for her, but then, thinking better of it, pulled back and shoved my hands back in my pocket.

“All these years, and you do this?” Mandy looked up at me, and I cringed, completely ashamed of myself. She still looked at me as if were something dirty, something she despised, something that disgusted her. She looked at me as if I were something - _someone_ \- she hated.

“I’m drunk, and I’m stupid. I dunno.” I shrugged. It was the best I could do.

“Funny, huh? How nothing changes for years?” Mandy turned away from me wiped her face as she composed herself. She stared off down the alleyway to the people milling about on the sidewalk. I stared at her back, wanting to hold her. Wishing she’d let me.   _Knowing she would never let me touch her again._

“I’m happy, Eddie. With Luke. We’re getting married.” She turned to face me, her face stoic as the carefully cultivated mask was back in place. “We’re having a baby in about 6 months.”

My eyes darted down to her still-flat waist.

“You were drinking…” I whispered, desperately trying to find someway for it to not be true. She was lying. About it all, she was lying.  I knew she had to be lying. 

“Non-alcoholic drinks. It’s my bachelorette party, but yeah, I’m pregnant. And I’m getting married. Tomorrow to be exact.” Mandy looked down at her pocket as her cell phone started ringing.  She answered it, her eyes still on me.

“Yeah. I’m not feeling well. Yeah. Shooters. Okay, yeah. I love you, too.”

Mandy hung up the phone and shoved it back in her small purse.

“That him?” My voice was gruff, heavy with emotion that I had still not dealt wtih.

“Yes. He’s coming to get me.” She looked down the alleyway and then back at me. “He’s across the street at another bar with his buddies. Kinda a dual thing.”

“Isn’t it bad luck to see the groom before the wedding?” I attempted a smile, but failed miserably. It’s hard to smile when you’re trying not to cry.

“I think it’s worse to see an old boyfriend the night before the wedding.” Mandy’s face was deadpan, completely devoid of emotion.

I stepped closer, unable to help myself.  Mandy looked down at her feet as she fiddled with her purse strap. I could see the rain coating her hair, could see the light reflecting off the tiny drops as they collected there, and I wanted to bury my nose in her hair, desperately wanted to inhale her scent one last time. Wanted to feel her against my body, one last time…

“I was your first boyfriend. _Your first everything_.” I clenched my fists at my side in restraint.

Mandy looked up at me, and in her eyes I saw a finality that broke my heart anew.

“You were. And I’ll remember you forever, Eddie, but Luke...he's my last. He’s my last everything. He treats me the way I deserve. He loves me.” Mandy swallowed, and I watched as her lips curved up in a smile. “And I love him. More than I thought possible. And we’re having a baby.”

I looked at her in confusion and shock and not a little anger. How could she stand there and smile at me and tell me she loves someone else? _Why was it so easy for her?_  I reached for her again. 

“Mandy, please, I-”

The door flew open, and Mandy’s girlfriends - _along with a dude_ \- stepped out into the rain. He was tall - taller than me - and I could tell by the way he looked at Mandy... _that_   _ **he** was **him**_. 

_He was Luke._

“Mandy, babe, you alright?” He asked as he walked over to her and put a heavily-muscled arm around her shoulders. She gave an uncomfortable laugh but nodded up at him. I could see right away that she did love him, and I felt myself die on the inside just a little more.  I could tell by the way he hugged her that he loved her back.  

“I was just getting an autograph from this singer. No biggie,” Mandy smiled at me as I blinked back at her.

“In the rain, huh?” Luke asked. I could hear the unease in his voice, and I could see the pleading in Mandy’s eyes as she looked at me. I forced a smile on my face, and extended my hand.

“Ah, yeah, I got lost around the bathrooms, and your fiancé” — _god that was hard to say_ — “helped me find my way out so I could smoke.”

Luke placed his hand in mine, his fingers gripping mine tight enough to make my teeth clench. 

“Autograph was the least I could do.” I felt like my cheeks were going to split with the effort to continue smiling. Satisfied, Luke finally gave me a halfhearted smile back, and I saw Mandy relax against his side.

“Thanks for taking care of my girl then, Mr.?…” Luke cocked an eyebrow at me before releasing my hand. I shoved mine back in my pockets.

“Ah, I’m nobody. Just a backup singer in a local band.” My voice was gruff, but my lie was smooth as ever.  Some things never changed, I guessed…

“Well, we need to get outta here, then.” Luke looked down at Mandy before giving her a kiss on her forehead. He looked back at me with unmistakable pride. “We gotta big day tomorrow.”

I felt something in my throat start to choke me, and I struggled to breathe around the lump.  I needed to get out of here, time now. 

“Uh…yeah. Good luck, man. All the best to you both.” My voice was hoarse as I shook his hand again.

I couldn’t even look at Mandy. I couldn’t, because I knew I’d lose it right then and there if my eyes met hers. I dropped Luke’s hand and turned away to slink down the alley to my rental car. Once inside, I sat for a few minutes, just listening to the rain fall against my windshield. I was in shock, still reeling from what had just happened. I grabbed my keys and shoved them into the ignition. The rental roared to life and I turned the music up as loud as I could fucking stand it. Anything to drown out the thoughts in my head.   A few moments later, I pulled into the 24-hour liquor store a mile or so from my room.

It was time I got it though my fucking skull: it was over.

She was gone, and it was over. 

We were over, and I had no one to blame but myself.


End file.
